June 2020 - Hello Mojo

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Her Blog

When you held that tiny bundle in your arms for the first time, did you make a wish for your new baby’s future? Did you hope they’d be kind and fair? Did you gaze at your partner and imagine the happy home you’d make as a little family? I know I did.

And what about now? Perhaps when you gaze at your little ones, you have some different things running through your mind: will they be okay with the split? And are they going to turn into the narcissist you’re separating from?

What do we mean when we talk about narcissism? Some common traits are:

  • Charming at first

  • Arrogant

  • Have a sense of superiority

  • Dream of incredible success, beauty and fortune

  • Divide people into winners or losers

  • Constantly seek praise

  • Insults and demeans others to make themselves look superior

  • Regularly speak of how “unfair” life is

  • Blame everybody except themselves for their problems

Sound familiar?

Co-parenting with a narcissist is almost as hard as living with one. But raising a mini one? That’s every (non-narcissistic) parent’s nightmare. So how do you prevent your children from following in those negative footprints? And how do you protect them from all the game-playing by your narcissistic ex?

According to Bill Eddy, a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute, there are four key skills to teach your children that will immunise them against narcissism.

  1. Flexible Thinking.
    Children need to be taught they’re no better than anybody else, and learn that everybody has strengths and weaknesses. As parents, we should instil in them the expectation of being treated with respect, and how to treat others that way, too.

  2. Managed Emotions.

    Narcissists tend to get really angry when things go the wrong way, and their emotions get way out of control. Emotions shouldn’t be seen as something scary for children–both in others and in themselves–so we need to encourage children to express, name and regulate their emotions in a healthy way.

  3. Moderating Behaviour.
    A narcissist likes to cut people off from their love or attention on a whim. Hello, silent treatment! Children should be encouraged to avoid this all-or-nothing thinking in their relationships. Instead, you could suggest they talk through the issue with the person they are having problems with, or that they back off and give them some space respectfully.

  4. Checking Yourself.

    Narcissists are preoccupied with blaming others for their life, their emotions and their problems. If you can teach your children to check whether they’re using the skills above and encourage them to take responsibility for their own emotions, it’s unlikely you’ll find you have a little narcissist on your hands.

Encouraging these skills in your children plays a big part in guiding their development. But there’s more that you can do as a parent to protect them throughout the split. The key? According to a recent study on parenting through a separation, it’s not about discipline or sticking to a bed time. Instead, it’s crucial to model the behaviour you’re hoping to encourage:

  1. Show unconditional love for your child.

    This is fundamental to their ability to cope with the split, and essential for the development of healthy relationships.

  2. Manage your own stress.
    You can’t be perfect, and your children will see you upset, but it’s the way you deal with those emotions that will make the difference. It’s helpful to express, name and then show your child how you navigate those emotions.

  3. Let them see you in other healthy relationships.

    Watching you interact in friendships, family groups and even with a new partner models what good relationships look like.

Finally, how do you deal with the narcissist who is now your co-parent? Bill says to think of it like a business relationship–and the business is raising your children. And if you can’t have a respectful conversation in person or on the phone, text and email is the way to go… just don’t forget that sometimes things that blow up over email will calm down face to face.

I’d love to hear your tactics for helping your children get through tricky times. Let me know in the comments below.

If you’re currently facing the reality of a breakup, separation or divorce there is now a FREE app that helps you document absolutely everything you need to help protect your rights, your children and your money.

Hello Mojo app, available for download on the App Store and Google Play Store in the USA, UK and Australia, quickly and privately captures the important details required to prepare your case — and, all your ongoing communication and evidence in the one safe place. You’ll always be ready for any legal obligations that may arise.

Download on the App Store

Download on Google Play


For more support, download my FREE e-book, 5 Separation & Divorce Hacks. It’s an easy read and packed with helpful tips and advice from those who’ve been right where you are now. It will help you go in the right direction faster, and less painfully.

You’re doing just fine. Take it one day at a time. And remember, be especially kind to yourself.

Love,







Annie Kendall
CEO/Founder | Hello Mojo

PS.
Are you separating from our spouse or getting divorced?? Be sure to check out The Hello Directory — A one-stop divorce resources directory.  Connect with trusted businesses, products and services both locally and abroad across all aspects of the journey that will support and enrich your separation experience. 

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Her Blog

If you’re reading this post, I’ll assume it’s not just out of curiosity. Instead, I’m guessing there’s a reason why you, your partner or both of you are jointly seeking a divorce.

Perhaps there’s been an affair. Domestic violence. You fell out of love. You and your partner mutually agree the relationship needs to end for one reason or another. Or, one partner may be aspiring for more. 

If you’re at the start of this journey one of the many burning question may be ‘can this reason be consider as legal grounds for divorce?’.

Well–to answer that question you’ll need to know whether you’re filing for divorce in a system that recognizes at-fault or no-fault divorces. And, if you’re residing in an at-fault divorce state what are the legal reasons for divorce.

So, let’s break this down for the USA, Australia and UK.


Grounds for Divorce in the USA

At-Fault Divorces (USA)

There are many reasons for a couple or individual to be considering divorce. The reasons for divorce, however, must ultimately fall into what the court considers to be adequate legal grounds. This means, you will need to provide hard evidence as to the reason or misconduct and subsequent irretrievable breakdown of your marriage. It must also fall into legally defined categories.

The legally accepted reasons for divorce can vary from state to state so be sure to seek legal advice within your state and jurisdiction before proceeding.  

Here are the most common at-fault divorce reasons:

  • Adultery or cheating
  • Bigamy
  • Desertion
  • Mental incapacity at time of marriage
  • Marriage between close relatives
  • Impotence at time of marriage
  • Force or fraud in obtaining the marriage
  • Criminal conviction and/or imprisonment
  • Mental or physical abuse
  • Drug or alcohol addiction
  • Mental illness

No-Fault Divorces (USA)

When you and your spouse want a divorce but neither one of you is at fault (or you don’t have sufficient evidence to prove an at-fault divorce) there is the option to file for a no-fault divorce in most US states. Filing is still based on legal grounds. 

Here are some of the terms that are commonly used to describe a no-fault cases:

  • Irreconcilable differences
  • Incompatibility
  • Irretrievable breakdown

You can find out more on Grounds for Divorce in the USA  here.


Grounds for Divorce in Australia

No-Fault Divorces (Australia)

When granting a divorce to couples in Australia the Federal Circuit Court of Australia does not consider why a marriage ended. The only ground for divorce is that the marriage broke down and there is no reasonable likelihood that the parties will get back together. 

The granting of a divorce does not determine issues of financial support, property distribution or arrangements for children. It simply recognises that the marriage has ended.

You need to satisfy the Court that you and your spouse have lived separately and apart for at least 12 months, and there is no reasonable likelihood of resuming married life. It is possible to live together in the same home and still be separated.

You can find out more on Grounds for Divorce in Australia here.


Grounds for Divorce in the United Kingdom

In England and Wales, a divorce is allowed on the ground that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. The Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 specifies that the marriage may be found to have irretrievably broken down if one of the following is established:

  • Adultery
  • Unreasonable behaviour
  • Desertion (two years)
  • Separation, agreed divorce (two years)
  • Separation, contested divorce (five years)

A divorce in England and Wales is only possible for marriages of more than one year and when the marriage has irretrievably broken down. 

In March 2020, a bill introducing “no-fault” divorces in England and Wales was backed by MPs. The Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Bill passed its first hurdle in the Commons by 231 votes to 16 against, following a debate. The bbc.com reports that the bill is designed to make the legal process, cost and pain of divorce to families and children less painful. 

You can find out more on the Grounds for Divorce in the UK here.

How Should I Proceed?

Legal advice is an essential part of the separation and divorce process. It’s strongly recommended that you get advice relevant to your jurisdiction before you get started. Hello Mojo is not a law firm and does not claim to give legal advice. 

Want to know how you can protect yourself, your children & your money from day one of your separation? Check out our blog post Getting Divorce? 10 Steps for a Savvy Separation for a detailed checklist of everything you need to do.

Hello Mojo’s The Hello Directory  is a trusted hub for you to connect with businesses, products and services that will support and enrich your separation experience. This is a global directory covering every aspect of the separation process from lawyers to divorce coaches, health and wellness specialists to ring resellers, money experts and counselling services plus so much more. The perfect resource to set you off in the right direction. 

For more support download our FREE ebook 5 Separation & Divorce Hacks for loads more tips and information on getting started.

You’re doing just fine.  Take it one day at a time.  And remember, be especially kind to yourself. 

With love & gratitude,



Annie Kendall
Founder | Hello Mojo

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